Boston College – Where’s the balance?  Last week against FSU pole sucker Brent Mussburger was right about Matty Ice being a legit NFL quarterback.  However, the rest of the Eagles are terrible.  This isn’t a team, it is one superstar carrying a bunch of other mediocre players.  The multitude of sacks allowed by the offensive line dropped the team rushing to 1.7 yards per attempt  and Chris Turner was able to shred the secondary for 337 yards and 3 touchdowns.

Texas Tech – Newsflash Mike Leach you cannot just out score good teams. Play some defense.

Continue Reading “Game Balls Week 11″ »

When them tops come down, chicks tops come down
When them shots come out, make cops come around
When them blocks come out, I can wake up a small town

In case you haven’t heard it, Jay Z’ American Gangster is fucking hot.

Notre Dame – In the Navy, we love to run triple option. In the Navy, we hurdle over blockers. In the Navy we beat down the Irish, in the Navy, in the Navy. Honestly, and this goes for Pitt as well, when you out weigh and have out recruited a team at every position how do you lose to them? Paul Johnson took The Hamburglar to school and majored his ass in adapting an offense. Charlie Weis has taken the Nick Saban self promotion hype machine to new levels. I hate Notre Dame and I am so glad to see them lose week in and out.

Georgia Tech – Holy shit, 6 turnovers. That’s almost a whole Hanukkah of gifts.

Boston College – Matty Ice hasn’t played well in his two biggest games of the year. You can only put so much on his shoulders as the rest of the Eagles are pedestrian at best. Continue Reading “Game Balls Week 10″ »

Virginia Tech – How do you give up 2 touchdowns in the final 2:11, at home on Thursday night? The answer is simple: do the exact opposite of everything you had been doing on defense, not recover an onside kick and stop covering receivers before the whistle. Also, I am no longer repping Blacksburg as a tough place to play at night. The fans looked soft and sounded complacent with 5 minutes left in the game. I even saw one douche in a wig smiling after BC scored their second touchdown.

California – After three losses in a row the collapse is in progress. Nate Longshore was intercepted twice and the Sun Devils had their way with the Cal defense. Keegan Herring and Dimitri Nance had 96 and 85 rushing yards respectively. It would be awesome if I were able to watch one Arizona St game this year.

Penn State – The whiteouts aren’t working.

South Florida – In the “We Haven’t Had Division 1a Football Programs For Too Long” Bowl South Florida set their national credibility back 2 years. I cannot believe they lost to Uconn. Uconn should have lost to Temple on a bullshit review and to Louisville on some crazy ass not fair catch fair catch signal. Meanwhile, back at the ranch the Bulls beat a very good Auburn team on the road and West Virginia. On paper it looked like a no-brainer. South Florida was able to rack up 440 yards, but shot themselves in the foot with two interceptions. The Uconn defense made some key plays and the offense scored when it mattered.

Rutgers – Down 17-3 at the half Rutgers said fuck keep on chopping. Minus 4 turnover margin is never going to win you a game.

Florida – I think the Tim Tebow is Chuck Norris website was a bit premature. We all know Chuck Norris would never have anything less than 100 yards a carry. Tebow had 13 carries for -15 yards. The Gators absolutely need him rushing well to win games. Also, how awesome was Mark Richt’s plan of taunting Florida? We think very.

South Carolina – I am a Steve Spurrier fan.  Hell if I went to Florida or South Carolina I’de sporting the ear to ear shit eating grin of the Ole Ball Coach on my left ass cheek.  Favoritism aside, how can the Cock and Shoot only score 6 points on Vanderbilt?  The Ball Coach says it is because Vandy would be a Championship caliber team if the played the Ohio State schedule.  I think it is because the looked ahead to their game with Tennessee next week.  Either way no National Championship for the Cocks this year.

Notre Dame – USC out gained Notre Dame 462 to 165 and rolled them up tighter than Weis’ front butt 38-0.  At what point does Weis’ free pass end?  Since becoming head coach the Irish are only 20-13 and seem to be getting worse as the season progresses.  With all the non-deserved hype and media buzz last year where is the criticism this year?.  I haven’t read or listened to one critical piece about Weis from any of the major media outlets.  If Weis was bold enough to say this wasn’t a rebuilding year, why won’t anyway say his coaching job this year has sucked? Sack up media!

Texas Tech – Its amazing how the Texas Tech offense never looks good against any team with a semblance of a defense.  Graham Harrell threw 4 interceptions and never looked back once the blowout was on.  I hate to hate on another team like this, but this is you Hawaii.  If you were to play in a legitimate conference against future NFL defenders your year would look like Texas Tech’s.  Sure you would get your 8 wins against the lesser conference teams, but you would never throw it 60 times against any good defense and win.

Tennessee – The Vols’ got fucking thumped hard.  Bama controlled the ball and ran it right down their throat.  I love seeing Phil and the gang lose.

Cal – Back to back losses after the big Oregon victory.  Anytime the Bear’s have a chance for a big season they have a vintage 2002 Virginia Tech collapse.  Nate Longshore threw 3 interceptions, including a costly pick 6 at the end of the game.  The UCLA defense stepped up all game and controlled the line of scrimmage.  The Bruins are now 4-0 in the Pac 10.

California – I tried to make the argument at the bar with Simon that the Cal loss was somewhat excusable because they were without Nate Longshore. However the bottom line is Kevin Riley went 20/34 for 294 passing yards with 2 touchdowns and a pick. How much better production would Cal had seen from Longshore? The Bears were at home with a chance to solidify the top spot in the polls and they dropped the ball. You cannot lose The Beavers at home. Ever.

Cincinnati – As predicted by me Bearcats lost. Being -4 in turnover margin is a really easy way to blow a close game…

Illinois – Zooker how could you let this happen? This was supposed to be the year the Big Ten sunk to new lows with the Illini as conference champions. More importantly what is the deal with Juice Williams coming out and the end of game (or half)? I heard he actually encourages being replaced by Eddie McGee who is referred to as “The Closer”. This isn’t baseball and it certainly isn’t a TNT drama staring Kyra Sedgwick. If you are going to run two quarterbacks at least get them both playing time before two minutes are left.

Texas A&M – The Red Raiders had 533 yards of total offense to the 366 put up by the Aggies. I am so glad I let VTBaz influence my Big 12 conference champion pick at the beginning of the season. I wonder who A&M is going to hire as their new coach next year? Damnit, last week for $1,600 coachfran.com may had been able to tell me.

Wisconsin – The Badgers have been out scored 69-33 in the last two weeks. I think the Badgers are my pick for most overrated team at the beginning of the season. Jump around that.

USC – Most people are calling the Stanford win the greatest upset of the season, while some are saying the decade and a few are saying it is the biggest upset of all time.  I am sure Michigan fans are hoping for the latter (Appalachian State is Hot Hot Hot).  Where ever it ranks, it is still unfathomable that it happened.  I touched on it a bit already, but USC knew Stanford was playing to win and they didn’t answer the challenge.  Jim Harbaugh has been talking shit and making comments about USC since he took his job.  I’m guessing Carrol really wanted to win this game to shut him the fuck up and he couldn’t.  The Cardinal came into the Coliseum and ate their Mesclun Salad straight from the fridge.

Wisconsin – There isn’t a font size large enough to stress how overrated Wisconsin is.  Wisconsin shouldn’t receive one vote for any Top 25 poll.  They have struggled with mediocre teams all year and finally ran into a team with more talent.  However, I am sure we will see them hover between 12-20 in most polls.

Kansas St – “Oops, we forgot our Power Towels”, K State fans.

Georgia – So much for the road team being the dominant one in this series.  Tennessee just whooped that ass and out gained the Bulldogs 411 – 233.  Georgia is the Jacksonville Jaguars of college football.  Each week you have no idea if they are going to look like bottom feeder or conference contender.  I am positive the guys at Voluminous are thrilled with the win and that UT controls their destiny in the SEC East.

Nebraska – I remember hearing how Bill Callahan thought this year’s Nebraska team was special…  He must have meant special at getting blown out.  Mizzu just took the Huskers, their fans, their extended families and the ghosts of former Nebraska players behind the woodshed.

Oklahoma – Colorado got a much needed big time DIVISION I FOOTBALL victory after being a doormat in THE BIG TWELVE for the last 2 years.  The Buffalos were able to overcome a late 24-10 deficit when it looked like the Sooners left the game to GO PLAY INTRAMURALS BROTHER.

Texas – The most surprising statistic about this game is not the four Colt McCoy interceptions or the lack of the Longhorn’s rushing attack, but rather Kansas State was able to win this game without the use of their power towels.

Notre Dame – You know the Irish really suck when five games into the season the ESPN.com post game headline is “Notre Dame scores first passing TD”.  I have no doubt in my mind that Notre Dame will be starting the season 0-8 and I am gaining confidence that Navy, Duke or Stanford can turn awful into horrible.  Each week Charlie Weis’ coaching skills seem less comparable to Bill Belichick and more comparable to Morris Buttermaker.

Clemson – The Ramblin’ Wreck just took it to Clemson in each phase of the game.  The Georgia Tech defense held the Clemson offense to 34 rushing yards on 32 carries, recovered a fumbled and picked off Cullen Harper.  The Georgia Tech offense rushed for 189 yards and the special teams blocked a punt.  Clemson missing 4 field goals and not being able to convert on third down certainly didn’t alleviate the ass kicking.

Penn State – The Nittany Lions got Zooked.

Alabama, Rutgers and Pittsburgh – Thank You for making the ACC rank above the Big Ten and Big East again.

In honor of The Office returning to television this week we Present The College Football Dundies.

Grace Under Fire Award – Mario Urrutia
Louisville’s Wide Receiver dropped 5 balls throughout the course of the game and accounted for two very costly Unsportsmanlike Conduct penalties late in the 2nd half.  Louisville’s D might not have done their job, but Mario Urrutia was a big contributing factor to this loss.  Way to keep it together and give your team a chance D Bag.

(Runner Up) – Art Carmody
UL’s kicker who further shot his team in the foot by kicking an onside attempt that traveled a staggering 4 yards.  Syracuse got the ball and ran out the clock.

Whitest Sneakers (Cleats) Award – Penn State’s Offense
The only thing offensive about Penn St was Joe Pa’s Octogenarian breath.  Penn St going into this game averaged 45 points a game, 412 total yards on offense, and converted 60% of their 3rd downs.  Michigan’s D, which was non existent against a 1-AA team, and Oregon held the Nittany Lions to 0 touchdowns, 270 total yards, and allowed them to convert only 33 % of 3rd downs.  Michigan’s end zones had too much mud in them for Penn St and they needed their cleats clean to, apparently, match the “Whiteout.”

(Runner Up) – ND’s Defense
They gave up 30 points for the 6th consecutive game this week, but seriously, was anyone surprised?

Don’t Go In There After Me Award – USC Trojans
Their win over Wazzu makes it a 35 home game win streak.  The Trojans seem unbeatable at The Coliseum; the next challengers to the throne?  Stanford. Looks like USC will improve to 36.

(Runner Up) – The Gators
They have a 17 game win streak in The Swamp.  Look out Auburn.

Spicy Curry Award – South Carolina
The Ol Ball Coach and his boys got a heaping dish of the Cajun Persuajan on Saturday that left their palates scorched.  To combat 3rd degree burns by LSU’s D, South Carolina tried almost every QB on the roster.  A field goal late in the game by South Carolina confirmed that they were suffering from heat stroke, as it left them still down by 3 scores. (18 as opposed to 21)  LSU after beating its second ranked opponent this year looks “HOT HOT HOT.”

(Runner Up) – Im not sure…
Is Hawaiian food spicy? If so then, Charleston Southern who got torched 66-10.

Tight Ass Award – Arkansas’ Defense
For the second consecutive week Arkansas let up 40 points in a loss.  Houston Nutt isn’t long for this world.  Even with huge talents D MAC and Felix Jones he still managed to give these games away.  When your RB rushes for 200 yards and two TDs and your QB passes for 145 and 3 TDs and you still lose, something needs fixing.  Psst, it’s your defense.

(Runner Up) – Nebraska’s Defense
You let Ball St put up 40 and almost upset you.  You also let them gain more rushing yards, first downs, total yards, and allowed them fewer penalties at your home field.  But then again, if I was in crowd for this game, I might have been just as quiet as everyone else.

Show Me the Money Award – South Florida Head Coach Jim Leavitt
You know Jim Leavitt is screaming this at the top of his lungs every time his team wins.  A couple more wins and the Bulls are on their way to another Bowl Game, and Jim is on his way to a contract extension, or a new school and a bigger contract.

(Runner Up) – ND Alumni.
They are shouting this same phrase, but for much different reasons.  Demanding Charlie Weis show them why he deserves the largest contract in college football after producing the worst start in school history and ranking 119 in almost every facet of offense.  Give me 4.5 million a year and I will coach the Irish to a 0-4 start too.

Fine Work Award – Tom O’ Brien
Let’s all take a minute to commend Tom on the fine work he has done reviving NC St, oh wait, they are 1-3.  Their only win comes from 1-AA Wofford.  Hmm Tom, maybe you shouldn’t have packed it in at BC seeing how they are 4-0 and are on top in the Atlantic.

(Runner Up) – Dave Wannstedt
His NFL genius fell short this week as Pitt stumbled against UCONN, I mean come the fuck on.  UCONN???  If not for a home job last week they would have lost to Temple.  Side note, Dave Wannstedt is also responsible for injuring Ricky Williams, when he, as head coach of the Dolphins, implemented first team versus first team live scrimmages in full pads during the season.

Hottest in the Office Award – Erin Andrews
ESPN got it right when they decided to disarm grumpy Head Coaches by presenting them with a cute girl who has almost zero knowledge of football.  The pretty face catches them off guard and the pea sized knowledge of the game allows them to lob softball questions at these guys.  All in all, good deal.

(Runner Up) – Anyone other than Holly Rowe
How that cow of a woman got this job is beyond me.  I’d say she slept with a producer, but that’s how all the good looking ones got theirs.

Bushiest Beaver Award – WVU’s Cheerleaders
While watching WVU destroy ECU, I was certain I caught a glimpse of a cheerleader who seemed to forget “something” when she got dressed in the morning.  It could have been a thong, but it wasn’t the normal granny panties.  Either way even if she did remember her undies, I’m sure none of those girls shave, because people from WV have poor hygiene.

(Runner Up) – I don’t know, probably Wyoming’s cheerleaders, I doubt very much their hygiene is on par with the rest of America either.

• UCLA – Three interceptions and two fumbles equals one horrid loss to Utah.  The Utes brought the defense, harassed Ben Olson in the pocket. stopped the run game, capitalized off of turnovers and eliminated any chance of UCLA in the National Championship Game.  This game was just an absolute blowout and is huge upset #2 of the season.
• Auburn – Auburn got Croomed. Again this week the Tigers offense was an efficient turnover machine.  Brandon Cox was 4/10 for 42 yards 2 interceptions one of which went back to the house.  Kodi Burns was 8/12 for 65 yards and 1 interception.  Good thing Tommy Tuberville has the 2003 National Championship to fall back on or he might be in the hot seat.  Haha.
• Connecticut – How the fuck do you lose to Temple?  Oh that’s right didn’t.  Uconn got the biggest homecooked meal in the history of college football when a last second touchdown was ruled an incomplete pass.  What is the point of replay if they aren’t going to correct obvious on the field mistakes.
• Tennessee – Absolute domination by Florida.   Tim Tebow had 360 total yards and 4 touchdowns.  What a romp.  It seems like the Urban Meyer spread offense will thrive in SEC.  Vol fans have to be wondering what has happened to their once powerhouse of a program.  They now fall somewhere way behind Florida and LSU, but mixed in with USC, Georgia and Auburn.  Right where they don’t want to be.  This could be Fat Phil’s last year.
• Notre Dame – If Notre Dame v Michigan 2007 was Cripple Fight 2007 then Notre Dame was the legitimate handicapped kid while Michigan was the strong, aggressive kid who just scored low on standardized testing.  Beat Down! I couldn’t have hoped for a better worse start for the Irish: 0-3, averaging 2 points a game, 119th in total offense, -14 yards rushing and a defense softer than satin.  At the beginning of the season I thought they would win the last 4 games and have a chance to win against Purdue and Michigan St.  I am now wondering if they will even get 4 wins this year.  If this isn’t a rebuilding year Charlie you need to set the bar higher.