February through May (minus spring practice) are the doldrums of the college football year. CGB Off-Topic will try to fill part of the gap with anecdotes, rants and ramblings.

Last weekend I went on a trip to do some major partying and while many ludicrous drunken antics took place, none, in terms of shear stupidity and hilarity can hold a candle to parts of the conversation I overheard on my flight home. The two kids that sat behind me must have met in the terminal, because they seemed pretty well acquainted. The one on my left was 14 and heading back to boarding school at Deerfield Academy, the other to my right was 19 heading back to college at WNEC. They came from two totally different walks of life. Boarding school kid which I will refer to as Silly Bitch is naive, rich, motivated and intelligent. College kid which I will refer to as Anal Arthur is lower middle class, stupid and a stoner. Continue Reading “CGB Off-Topic: The Most Ridiculous Conversation I’ve Ever Overheard” »

February through May (minus spring practice) are the doldrums of the college football year. CGB Off-Topic will try to fill part of the gap with anecdotes, rants and ramblings.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been supporting my local Girl Scouts by eating boxes of their cookies. These are my favorite three kinds.

3. Tagalongs are what Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aspire to be. Together chocolate and peanut butter are a delicious combination, but mix in vanilla cookies and you will cream yourself as you eat them.

2. Samoas make for a great drunken snack, because they are fattening as hell. By old wives tale standards two cookies will soak up the alcohol from two porters or lagers and three will handle a thick dark stout. Even when sober these chewy caramel infused, coconut topped, chocolate dipped treats hit the spot. And for all you unfortunate people out there who can only buy Caramel deLites you’re missing out.  Those impostors are thinner, crispy and lacking that “it” factor.

1. The best Girl Scout cookie is the Thin Mint. It’s a very simple cookie: chocolate, wafer and mint.  But it is well put together, like a sexy woman in her little black dress.  They are even more scrumptious when frozen and out of this world when crushed up in vanilla ice cream. When our current economic crisis is behind us I plant to celebrate by battering and deep frying a box of them.

Honorable Mention: Lemon Chalet Cremes – They convinced me that cookies without chocolate are also worth eating.

February through May (minus spring practice) are the doldrums of the college football year. CGB Off-Topic will try to fill part of the gap with anecdotes, rants and ramblings.

Like most young professionals I am always in a rush. I have places to go, people to see and shit to do. I embrace anything that can make my day more efficient. I was pretty happy when stores began replacing pimply faced teenagers with machines to check me out. When self checkout first appeared I could make it through the grocery store faster than a convenience mart. Now that more people are using self checkout it has become an inconvenience.  It’s lines are slower and longer. The problem is it’s not for everyone. In order to help people figure out whether or not they should use self checkout I created this list.

Don’t Use the Self Checkout if…

• You’re old. Old people are extremely slow. What’s worse is they can fall asleep standing straight up at anytime due to the high volume of medication they’re on and shutdown a whole line.
• You are paying with food stamps. These machines are not equipped to deal with the poor. I’ve never seen one person paying with food stamps make it through a self checkout without the help of 2+ store employees.
• You have  more than 1/2 carriage full of items. Suck it up, you bought too much shit and require a bagger.
• You think AOL is the Internet. You do not understand technology so stay far far away from it.
• You have a fixed budget. This is not Let’s Make a Deal. Do you understand how obnoxious it is to scan $40 worth of items then void them one at a time until you get below your $20 limit? If you don’t fuck off and go to Canada.

Hopefully this helps assholes.

February through May (minus spring practice) are the doldrums of the college football year. CGB Off-Topic will try to fill part of the gap with anecdotes, rants and ramblings.

February through May (minus spring practice) are the doldrums of the college football year. CGB Off-Topic will try to fill part of the gap with anecdotes, rants and ramblings.

Throughout this post I will refer to all drivers as “she”, because women are the worst drivers.

The Rolling Start

You pull up to a red light behind another car.  After being stationary for about a minute she slowly starts creeping out past the “stop here” line in anticipation of the light changing green. She continues to roll forward thinking the light is going to change any minute now. Being that it’s a long red light, she’s ends up in the middle of the intersection. The light changes to green. Pause. One one thousand, two one thousand… She cannot see the fucking green light. You blow your horn. She starts accelerating and you think all is well because she has to be in a rush. Right? Wrong! It’s a casual drive at or below the speed limit. So why the urgency to get through the light in the first place?

I Drive 55 in the Left Lane on the Interstate.

Simply put, you should have a ramrod shoved up your ass.  I bet 50% of the accidents caused on the highway are a byproduct of this asshole being inconsiderate. If you don’t plan on driving >= Speed Limit + 15 mph move over to the fucking right lane.

Mrs. Friendly

You’re driving along 200 feet from a green light you expect to make when the woman in front of you abruptly stops. She wants to let another woman stuck perpendicular to the road (either waiting at a stop sign, stuck in a shopping plaza, etc…) onto the busy road. What a courteous gesture, but here’s what actually happens.  She stops. The woman she is trying to let in is confused as shit. “Why is she stopping? Is she letting me in? Do I know this bitch? Have I waited too long? if I go is she going to go and hit me?”  So after about two minutes of posturing the woman finally pulls out onto the road.  Well gold fucking star for you Mrs. Friendly.  By the time your generosity is complete the light in front of everyone is red. The woman you let in front of you got through, barely. But you’ve completely fucked you, me, the guy behind me and the guy behind him.  If you has just followed the traffic signal we would have all passed through the light. The congestion would have dissipated and the woman you let out would have been fine. Don’t try to outsmart the engineers designing the traffic grid. You are not smarter than them.

Must, turn, in, front, of, you, NOW!

She sees you coming from 500 feet away. Plenty of time to turn onto the road you are barreling down. 400 feet. You can see it’s clear both ways yet she isn’t turning. 300 feet. If you want to turn now is the time. 200 feet. She must be extra cautious and is waiting for you to pass. 100 feet. She decides to turn now. You slam on you brakes to avoid an accident and curse.

If you have anymore leave them in the comments.