After an eighth straight loss to USC, a second home loss to Navy in three years and disappointing finish against the Pitt Wanstaches speculation for who will replace Charlie Weis has taken the Interwebs by storm. Athletic director Jack Swarbrick says he’s got the buyout money (via The Blue-Gray Sky) tucked away under his 11″ Serta California King, which is as good as saying the final nail is in the coffin. It’s never been about fronting money at Notre Dame, it’s about winning enough games to maintain their television contract, getting an annual payday from the BCS and being in the hunt for the National Championship. The University simply wants a return on their investment.

Bob Davie, Tyrone Willingham and Charlie Weis all proved that being head coach at Notre Dame is too much for one man. Going forward it’s unlikely that the Irish will be able to pull an elite coach such as: Urban Meyer or Bob Stoops so why not hire a group of men, supermen in their own right, otherwise known as The Notre Dame Brain Trust, to collectively coach and run the day-to-day operations of the team.

Regis Philbin

Position: The face of Notre Dame football
Responsibilities: Media whoring, damage control, master of propaganda
In Short: Regis will be the iced over slab of beef at the podium to heal the wounded eye of Notre Dame after any loss. He’ll remain as host of Live with Regis and Kelly in order to continue to throat fuck Americans with all things Irish.

Tim Gunn

Position: Life Coach/Molder of Men (no, not in that way)
Responsibilities: Uniform coordination, culture enrichment, making it work, making Notre Dame football fabulous
In Short: Tim will have each player dressing, acting and speaking like a gentleman.

Gordon Ramsay

Position: Head Chef
Responsibilities: Dietary planning, chewer-outer, designated cusser, looking pissed off all the time, motivator
In Short: Gordon will plan and cook nutritious meals for the team based on personalized dietary plans. Furthermore, he’ll demand excellence and receive 100% production from each player by berating them with a colorful combination of curses.

Brian Kelly

Position: Tactician and On the Field Coach
Responsibilities: Will not screw the pooch, will not piss away talent, will develop successful strategies to ensure victories (as in 10+ per year), recruiting, assembling and maintaining a staff of assistant coaches
In Short: There are bigger problems at Notre Dame if he isn’t the next head coach.