After last Thursday’s debacle against North Carolina it occurred to me that very little football preparation took place during the Hokie’s bye week. This is what some players and coaches, most likely, did instead.

Greg Boone – Played NCAA 10 dynasty mode. Promoted himself to starting quarterback. He passed for 4,000 yards, on the button, 74 touchdowns 1 interception (tip off of Tyrod Taylor’s hand) and rushed for 1,400 yards 23 touchdowns without one carry for loss. Won the Heisman Trophy. Named most valuable player in the BCS Championship Game after leading VT to a 80-0 rout of Texas. Afterwards was baffled as to why this wasn’t happening in real life.

Ed Wang – Manicure, pedicure, full facial scrub and rub, the big man’s silky smooth hair was trimmed, but not cut. His complexion has never looked better and a deep tissue massage left his muscles feeling vibrant and ready to take on whatever defensive coordinators throw his way (or so we thought).

Justin Myer – Practiced on-side kicks.

Cody Grimm – He spent some time getting his Halloween costume together, an antique sickle with the right amount of age and character is tough to come by. Spent a day at Joe’s Diner eating the entire fucking menu bookended by double-duty on the Big Joe.

David Wilson - He bought out the men’s department at Macy’s during  their One Day Sale. He likes to look a refined fresh.

Bryan Stinespring - Stinespring sits up in bed after his alarm clock sounds off at 1:00pm. His ear to ear grin would make any clown jealous. He begins singing.

♫ I woke this morning without a play book in my hand. ♫
♫ Who’s bye week, my bye week, look at that fucking sunshine. ♫

Pops out of bed and throws his curtains open

♫ Because… It’s a beautiful day in this neighborhood, ♫
♫ A beautiful day for a neighbor, ♫
♫ Would you be mine? ♫
♫ Could you be mine? ♫

Free-styling on his way to the shower

♫ No you can’t and no you won’t, ♫
♫ You all hate me and I hate, you cocksuckers too. ♫
♫ You can bitch and moan and pine and groan, ♫
♫ but facts are facts and Big S ain’t going bye anytime sooooooooonn.♫

Drys off, walks back into bedroom, closes curtains, face plants back into bed wraps his 600 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets around himself until he’s nestled in a snug cocoon. Repeated for the next six days.

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