CollegeGameBalls: College Football at its Finest

Jerry: Reading Arkansas football forum in disappointment. Holy grits and gravy I’ve been too caught up with my boy ROMO and that human sized meatball coach of mine. My watchful eye hasn’t been payin’ attention to ARKANSAS FOOTBALL in a dog year. I need to stop this embarrassment and find us HAWGS a new coach. Looks at the ceiling. God I promise to quit peepin’ on my boy GARRET pullin his pud if you lend a little help down here to ARKANSAS and Double J.

Bobby Petrino appears.

Petrino: What the hell… Where am I? What happened..?

Jerry: Hot damn! Giddy up, my prayers have been answered.

Petrino: Jerry Jones… What the fuck is going on?

Jerry: Looky here you big brimmed hat wearing sorry excuse for a NFL coach. I made a little deal with the man upstairs to send me a coach and here you are.

Petrino: You want me to coach the Cowboys? I’m 3-10 they’re 12-1.

Jerry: Boy you are crazier than Nate Newton on opium and any piece of Dallas coochie that believed ole Aikman would marry her. Combined!!! I already got me a coach and a coach in waitin’. I need your ass to fix the coachin’ problem at ARKANSAS.

Petrino: Arkansas huh? This is an easy way out of an unforeseen difficult situation. You think they would want me at Arkansas?

Jerry: Right now ARKANSAS would take a 5′ 5″ pile-o-shit as their next coach. The’ve been rejected more than a 65 year old whore.

Petrino: Alright. I’m interested. How are you going to arrange all of this?

Jerry: You leave that to me. I’m ARKANSAS booster num-er-o uno. There ain’t nothing I want that don’t happen. Hold onto your pecker and let Jerrah work his magic.

Pulls out special Arkansas phone from his middle desk drawer.

Jerry: HELLO FRANK, it’s JERRAH JONES.

Frank Broyles: Yes Jerry I know, the phone you are calling from is one we gave you and it’s a direct line. How can I help you?

Jerry: I found our next head coach. My boy BOBBY PETRINO. He’s willin’ to come to ARKANSAS.

Frank Broyles: Jerry that’s great news. We have been scratching our heads here trying to find a coach. How did you manage it?

Jerry: Does a farmer ever reveal how he gets his chickens and pigs to fuck?

Hangs up the phone.

Jerry: BOBBY just you keep hanging tight. Go ahead and fire up another round of pocket pool while I call up my old fuck buddy Arthur Blank.

Picks up desk phone and dials.

Arthur Blank: Errrmmm Hello. This is Arthur Blank pleased to make your acquaintance. Now how may I help you?

Jerry: ARTHUR this is JERRAH JONES. Looky here you greasy haired son-of-a-bitch. BOBBY PETRINO isn’t going to be coaching the Falcons anymore.

Arthur Blank: Oh Jerry how nice of you to phone. pauses. Pardon me? I must have misunderstood you.

Jerry: Nope ya heard right you should’ve been mafioso. I spoke to ole BROYLES down at ARKANSAS and he’s gonna be the new head coach there.

Arthur Blank: Preposterous, he is under contract and is the one man who could get us out of this mess and help to rebuild our franchise.

Jerry: Jibba-Jab, Jibba-Jab. There ain’t one god dang thang you are gonna be able to do about this. So you might as well start looking for a new coach now.

Starts to hang up phone.

Arthur Blank: Jerry please, let’s ta…

Hangs up phone.

Jerry: Alright there short stack zip your pants up, pack your shit up and get on down to Fayetteville.

SOOIE PIG I’M FUCKING CRAZY. WOOOOHHH!

This is a tribute to the great work of Big Daddy Drew and his Wade and Jerry Posts.