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How to be a College Football Fanatic

Thu, Nov 8, 2007 at 2:55 pm Posted in das funny, fanatic, uva sucks, wvu sucks By cgb

Are you…

Only cheering during a big play, Congratulating a friend at a rival school after their victory, Being respectful to those seated around you, Only drinking casually at your tailgate? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you need to step up, sack up and follow these to becoming a college football fanatic.

  1. Never be content with a penalty against your team. Your team doesn’t commit penalties. Every penalty against you is bullshit and is personal insult towards the integrity of your head coach.
  2. Always be obnoxious, rude and foul to the fans of other teams regardless of age or gender. For example, you are tailgating and a grandmother aged lady walks over to you looking confused and politely asks where a public bathroom is. You should respond, “Do I have Rand McNally tattooed on my fucking forehead? For all I care you can go over and squat behind those trees you stupid old bitch.”
  3. Never, ever, ever accept defeat. When your team loses it isn’t because the other team is better. They are never better. Ever. Create all kinds of conspiracy theories explaining why the unimaginable happened.
  4. Always continue drinking. This goes without say. Shower before the game? Bring a shower beer. Puking after the game? Utilize both pipes. During the game sneak enough liquor in for regulation and a potential 7 overtimes. Emptying a handle of SOCO 100 into a zip-lock freezer bag and taping it to your leg should do the trick.
  5. During the game every sentence that comes out of your mouth should contain at least two curse words. “Oh that fat sack of shit ref is calling another God Damn bullshit penalty on us.”
  6. Students of your rival school are second class citizens. Treat them as such.
  7. Always question the play calling of your coaches. They appreciate you keeping them in check. “Third and two and we run a fucking screen? You have got to be fucking kidding me. Pound the fucking rock! I bet I could call a better game than this asshole with my NCAA 08 playbook.”
  8. The best player on your team is always your backup quarterback: Tyrod Taylor > Sean Glennon, Matt Leinart > Carson Palmer, Major Applewhite > Chris Simms, etc…
  9. If you happen to be in the bar watching 1000 miles away from your school always keep in mind they and you are the center of attention. Make sure to clap loud and holler every time there is a big play.
  10. Always gives visiting fans the worst experience of their lives.

Anything I missed? Leave them in the comments…

21 Responses to “How to be a College Football Fanatic”

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  1. 1vtbaz on Nov 8, 2007 at 4:28 pm:

    Is #9 directed to me? Hokies rule all!

  2. 2polish on Nov 8, 2007 at 4:54 pm:

    we’ve all been #9…watching vt vs fsu in tampa this weekend should be interesting

  3. 3Robert on Nov 9, 2007 at 9:02 am:

    My classless moment came after VT won and I asked a group of women from the opposing team if they wanted to go down twice tonight. They politely refused.

    Hey what bar in Tampa?

  4. 43000 on Nov 9, 2007 at 10:03 am:

    If you’re watching the game on television, the commentators only know what they’re talking about while praising your team. Any sort of criticism is invalid and makes them stupid jackasses. Make sure to tell everyone around you how awful the commentary is. Constantly.

  5. 5Matt on Nov 9, 2007 at 12:07 pm:

    Wow, sounds like “Top 10 signs you’re a Hokie fan” to me.

  6. 6WCT on Nov 9, 2007 at 12:17 pm:

    #11 - Always talk shit to anyone wearing the gear of any other team in america, regardless of wether or not they are involved in a game with your team, or linked in any way imaginable.

  7. 7Botswana Meat Commission on Nov 9, 2007 at 2:23 pm:

    Obsess over the perceived superiority of your team’s conference. Tie your self-esteem into said conference’s national reputation. Call sports talk radio constantly to gloat about how your team’s conference is superior to others.

    Also: Never attend the school you root for, nor have any alumni family members, nor any connection whatsoever to said school.

  8. 8Brian on Nov 9, 2007 at 2:35 pm:

    Great list of factors. I think you summed up at least one quality of almost all my diehard friends. I think the cursing and second-guessing are really the keys. Nice work, dipshit asswipe. Ha.

  9. 9Bandwagon Boy on Nov 9, 2007 at 3:00 pm:

    Ya this is TRUE rules and facts! I aggree with all these rulz! Thats how I roll yo!

  10. 10Mike Wright on Nov 9, 2007 at 3:33 pm:

    Dont’ forget, if you are attending a road game to complain about how classless the home fans were.

  11. 11cgb on Nov 9, 2007 at 3:43 pm:

    @Brian - Thanks you fuck face asshat!

  12. 12cgb on Nov 9, 2007 at 4:16 pm:

    @Botswana

    I think only 1% of ND fans have actually attended the school or have a parent who attended the school. Worst bandwagon team ever.

  13. 13Matt on Nov 9, 2007 at 4:40 pm:

    @cgb — I once knew a guy who was a ND football fan and a Duke basketball fan — this was mid- to late-90’s. He went to community college and was born, raised, and spent all of his life in New Mexico. I couldn’t stand that dude.

  14. 14sam on Nov 12, 2007 at 2:20 pm:

    Good stuff, man. I have written an add-on to this article, entitled How to be a College Football Fanatic, Appendix A.

    Enjoy.

  15. 15HokiesRock on Dec 8, 2007 at 7:42 pm:

    I Cant beleive the hokies didnt make the BCS championship.. im so pissed.. :( number 3.. and lsu lost to arkansas.. Vt lost to like.. better teams than ARKANSAS! go hokies! beat the jayhawks! :D

  16. 16HokiesRock on Dec 8, 2007 at 7:45 pm:

    #12.. following the posted #11..

    #12. always wear or bring something that talks shit about the other team.

    #13. Always curse when the other team gets a TD.. just scream like this : The fucking *rival team* got a fucking touchdown!! god fucking damnit

  17. 17Ethanator1088 on Jan 24, 2008 at 3:16 pm:

    #1 is the most annoying. People just do not think their team commits penalties. Sometimes your team jacks up the QB 4 seconds after the whistle. Quit being a Homer and agree that it was a late hit. :-) Good list.

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